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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Man Rejected

Good afternoon, friends!

Oh, what a day it's been so far. Some of you follow me on Facebook and may recall an update about a man who Googled me on his iPad while we were on a second date, found some footage of me reporting from SXSW and proceeded to google the model/presenter who set up the segment so we can look at her in a bikini.

This inspired me to finally create a web series I had been thinking about for over a year called Bad Dates in the City, currently in pre-production! #LBDinNYCProds @BadDates

After I decided I had no interest in seeing this man again, I ignored his three texts "Did you take the bus home? "How's it going?" and "Hello") which came over a span of a week and a half until I opted to text him back this morning to the polite tune of, "Thanks for the other night and it was nice meeting you, but don't wish to chat further. Thanks and good luck! Best, Lindsay"

Well, here is how this Ivy league grad with an MBA that I met on JDate responded:

You could probably tell I didn't give a fck about you. And since you caught me in a good mood this morning, I'm gonna say one last thing - you ain't that young, you ain't in the same shape as u maybe were 10 years ago, and you're not a professional rock star of any kind...You should probably take whatever comes your way and not be quite so high on yourself.

Wowwwwwweeeeeee!! Could you even?! My four Jewish grandparents, may they rest in peace, are rolling into some version of the hora in their graves. How dare you speak to my granddaughter this way, you mean-spirited man!? I can hear their voices. Tradition! My mom was shocked.

Obviously I am not the first woman to experience something like this and I expect some women have received a lot worse. It's one of the reasons we typically just don't text back if not interested, because there is a potential tirade in store. Hell hath no fury like a man rejected.

The reason I am blogging about this is not simply because I want to publicly #SMH but because there is something fundamentally lacking in this culture and that is respect. Jennifer Lawrence's recent bit about making fat-shaming illegal is a little extreme but the truth kernel here that is whatever creates such insecurities in a man that he feels the need to assert dominance by way of rude verbal injury and attack needs regulation. (Women on women fat or age shaming is another conversation and equally vital.)

You may be wondering how I responded? Did I want to engage? ABSOLUTELY. I had every expletive running through my head and my fingertips were a few taps away from a text war. But I didn't and instead said, "You better lose my number NOW and stop texting me." Yet, after doing that I felt silenced. Like he got away with something and in some ways, he did! My brain kept scanning all of my spiritual texts and none of them, not one, say to "retaliate with venom" or "be a smart ass so you get the last word!" Rather, they suggest I don't personalize and send the person love. Oye.

Women of every race, creed and color are under attack in our culture and judged harshly on a daily basis. I am not saying this to play the role of the victim in any way. On the contrary, I am empowering myself by stepping into my power as a single, over 30 white woman who is no longer a size 4 (not sure I ever was but do I look like I looked when I was a D1A college athlete, No) and doesn't have the kind of career that makes a 40 under 40 list (yet). I've never felt more empowered to SPEAK and work on making things better in our society, starting with human relations. Ultimately, I believe that when men learn how to treat ALL women with more respect and less judgment, anger, or hostility, our society will experience a massive healing. It is that important.

And furthermore, when women such as myself learn to shake that shit OFF, let it go, and choose to love ourselves irrespective of any negative macro or micro negative messages, we are free. It starts with the individual and while I am surprised to be receiving this lesson at this point in time, it is a good one to which I say yes and thank you. Onward!



  1. Lindsay, this is so dead on. And I hope no one gets the impression that this is us (women) saying, P"UH-LEEZE, leave me alone, you're not worthy of me." Rather, it continues to baffle me how some (most?) men react to rejection of all forms! (Even if I say, "No, sorry, can't stay for another drink, I have to work early," I've gotten awful reactions.) The nasty, BRATTY, responses I've gotten are shocking. I don't understand it. A man who says he has to go because of xyz reasons wouldn't get an attitude from me, that's for sure. Ughhhh. Thanks again for this post. Great stuff!

  2. Thank you, Gina! I don't understand it either, particularly when the "No" is said politely and with consideration. Women and men both don't have to explain ourselves if we're not interested but the hostility is, I agree, shocking. Also, my post (despite it's broad title that I simply could not resist!) is not meant to classify ALL men this way. I know wonderful men without a mean bone in their body. :) Thank you for your thoughtful comment and the retweet! xo

  3. his sense of entitlement is astounding... except I've seen it 100x before. But it is shocking in its un-earned-ness

  4. Guys getting pissed off and writing nasty notes due to rejection... Impossible :)

  5. Yet more proof (if any such were needed) that this boy (he's not worthy of being called a "man") isn't worth the time of any woman, much less one as incredible as you!
    A real man doesn't interact with *any* woman that way.

  6. To be fair, waiting a week and a half to reject him is kind of mean. (but just to be clear here, WHAT HE SAID WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE AND THIS IN NO WAY VALIDATES HIM)

  7. Great, fair, insightful, honest, and loving comments. Thank you all!